Disappointment Comes in Many Shapes and Sizes
disappointment: sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations
My daughter who is in middle school recently faced the biggest disappointment of her life thus far. I’ve had quite a few disappointments myself, and I can say this one was a real doozie. To honor her privacy I’m going to spare the details but trust me when I say the details are what magnified the blow. Moving forward, my hope for her is that she remains as kind, optimistic, and humble as she is proving to be right now. The way she encourages others in the midst of her pain and embarrassment says more about her character than any circumstance ever could. In this situation she is choosing to persevere, knowing perseverance will come with a price (by “sticking with it,” her circumstances are visible to everyone else). These are choices. At the height of her disappointment, she is consciously choosing not to curl up in a ball, which honestly sometimes feels like the easier option. Don’t get me wrong, there have been tears. There have been comments that sent my heart into my throat. The events related to this disappointment will last about 6 weeks, and the emotional effects of this event will likely last a lifetime. The emotional effects aren’t necessarily negative though. See, that’s what makes disappointment unique. While it hurts initially, it also has potential help us develop as a person. Our choices in the moments surrounding our disappointment dictate how we let it impact us. We can choose to learn. We can choose to look to people who lift us up and stick with them. We can choose to build on our strengths. We can choose to celebrate the strengths of others.
“The way she encouraged others...said more about her character than the circumstances ever could”
The hope
The good news in all of this is that we can control our choices. We can’t control circumstances or people, but we control our responses. Yes, my daughter could have chosen to curl up in a ball or hide from the world for a while. She could have chosen to blame certain people or point out fault in the given situation (trust me, the opportunities were there). She could have chosen to be bitter, angry, jealous, and/or even self-righteous. She could have chosen to bring down others. Perhaps these choices would have helped her survive the difficult circumstance at the time, however none of them would have changed the circumstances. At least not forever. And she certainly wouldn’t have felt any better.
You know what does have lasting gratification and long term effects? Choosing not to succumb to the disappointment. My daughter chose to hold her head up high despite the unbearable weight of disappointment trying to pull it down. It’s as though her resistance to the disappointment through sheer grit and determination tangibly chipped away at the weight. I learned more about resilience by watching a 12 year old choose to put one step in front of the other and continue to be encouraging during her disappointment than I ever could have prepared for by reading about it or searching for inspirational quotes (I did both by the way). The disappointment that was initially palpable and all-consuming, was pushed into the shadows. It lurked, waiting to take over again. In fact, it’s still waiting. But every time she gives a compliment either to or about someone, the disappointment loses power. Every time she says “I’m going to keep trying” the disappointment loses power. When someone does something to include her or says something encouraging, the disappointment loses a whole lot of power. When you have your moment in the spotlight or circumstances are in your favor, be aware of those who are fighting the beast of disappointment. Your love and kindness will exponentially help this fight.
“Every time she says “I’m going to keep trying” the disappointment loses power. ”
The Anatomy And Impact of Disappointment
Disappointments can be small, or they can be big. Some are short-lived while others last forever. Some disappointments are a one-time blow while some are ongoing. By definition, disappointment begins with an excitement, a goal, a positive look ahead, and crashes down into sadness, sometimes a deep sadness. Regardless of shape and size, all disappointments impact our soul. We have choice and control over the level of impact. We either choose to let it grow us as a person or we let it cripple us. We can let it harden our heart, or soften our heart. We can try to sabotage each other or build each other up. We can wish ill on others or cheer for them. We can focus on the people we disagree with or we can surround ourselves with stronger, more positive people. The impact of disappointment can be leveraged by the amount of resilience a person is able to apply. Thankfully, resilience is not static - it is a concept and thought process we can work to strengthen over time. This does not mean we have to get used to negative situations. It means we don’t have to be defined by negative situations or sit back and accept them. According to an article by various contributors published by the American Psychological Association, “resilience involves behaviors, thoughts and actions that anyone can learn and develop” (apa.org, 2012). This is good news for all of us! For more information on this topic, check out https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience.
Responding to Disappointment
While we can’t avoid disappointment completely, we can avoid and minimize the impact of some disappointments. A couple tips that might help:
Choose kindness. Kindness will choose you in return.
Keep good company. If a friend continually disappoints you, stop hanging out with them.
If it’s a family member, come up with mental tools to minimize the effects of their actions (or in-actions).Choose optimism
Continually take steps whether large or small toward goals. If you don’t have goals, refer to the New Year, New Goals post on this site. But keep moving.
Smile. Even when you don’t feel like it. Not all the time, but at least sometimes.
Remember disappointment is normal.
Look forward, even when it means having to look past someone or some circumstance blocking your vision. Outlast them.
Find better people.
Journal. Seriously, try it. Jot down events, how you feel each day, or whatever comes to mind. You’ll probably find this to help put things in perspective.
If there’s a coach or employer who denies you when you know you were worthy of a position, there’s a stronger coach or employer out there somewhere you haven’t met yet. If a relationship doesn’t work out even when it seemed perfect, disappointment is there to tell you it wasn’t the right relationship for you after all. When a loved one disappoints you, remember you can’t control their actions but you can control your response.
There’s a song by Hillsong United, “Another In the Fire,” I highly recommend.
If you find yourself in an emotional pit you can’t seem to get out of (such as deep sadness, or long-term low self esteem), the strongest move you can make is to seek help. There are people who know what to say and what you need to do. If you don’t know where to find these people, ask around. Someone will know someone. That’s how the world works.
Boy at the top of stairs on a mature trail
Disappointment is painful enough. Don’t let it suck you in, weigh you down. Chip away at it by moving forward in the least expected but most effective ways. Don’t freeze up. The disappointment will swallow you. Move forward. Leave it in a puddle behind you, no matter how long it takes to inch out in front of it. It will eventually lose track of you.
“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”
Take risks, live your life, ask questions, and find your fun!